Do your arguments with your partner escalate in seconds, leaving both of you angry, defensive, or overwhelmed? This intense reaction is often a sign of flooding, a physiological state where your body and brain are overwhelmed by stress.
According to the Gottman Method, flooding occurs when conflict triggers your body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. The prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for reasoning and problem-solving—essentially “shuts down” under stress. Meanwhile, your heart rate increases, often exceeding 100 beats per minute, and stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood your system. This state makes it almost impossible to think clearly, listen calmly, or respond thoughtfully. Instead, you may lash out, retreat, or feel paralysed.
Flooding can happen to anyone. The key is how we manage it.
One effective strategy is creating a ritualised break, a tool the Gottmans emphasise in their research.
How to Take a Ritualised Break
Recognize the Signs: Pay attention to your body during conflict. Is your heart racing? Are your palms sweaty? Do you feel overwhelmed or defensive? Identify your body clues for flooding
Pause the Argument: Communicate to your partner that you need a break. Develop a code word/phrase you both agree on ahead of time. Some couples simply use 'flooding' to indicate that they need to take a break.
Take 20-30 Minutes: Research shows it takes at least 20 minutes for your body to physiologically calm down. Use this time to do something soothing—like deep breathing, a short walk, or listening to calming music. Avoid ruminating about the argument. Do whatever is available to you in the moment - if the only option is taking a few deep breaths, do that.
Reconnect When Calm: Once both of you are calmer, revisit the conversation with a focus on understanding rather than winning.
If flooding is a recurring issue in your relationship, couples counselling can help. At Brisbane Couples Counselling, we teach you tools to manage flooding and communicate effectively, even during conflict.
Ready to stop explosive arguments in their tracks? Call 3876 2100 or email info@brisbanecouplescounselling.com to book a session today. Let’s create a calmer, more connected relationship for you and your partner.
Comments