So many couples talk about this. They can fight and fight for hours but never actually repair or resolve what they were arguing about. It's awful for both partners. Life just gradually goes back to normal. The kids get dropped to school, dinners get made, life goes on and then a few days, weeks, or months later - the same fight seems to be happening again.
Here we go, again.
Think about a typical fight with your partner. How does it start? Is the issue brought up gently or harshly? During the argument, when do you think it starts to decline? Early on, do you feel attacked? Criticised? Put down? Or maybe it's a back and forth tennis match of feeling criticised and then defending yourselves. "Yeah I get that, but what about when YOU..."
Really play out the interaction in your mind's eye. When does it start to really escalate to the point where it starts going around in circles? What are you feeling in your body? What are you thinking about yourself, the relationship, your partner? At what point do you start lashing out, shutting down or walking away?
As you reflect on a typical argument, chances are you're noticing some room for improvement. Do you notice that it's not necessarily WHAT you're talking about, but HOW you're talking about it? It seems like there are a thousand possible 'Sliding Door' moments where the conversation could have gone differently.
So, in order to resolve arguments, first of all think about how you're communicating and try to work on saying your needs with less blame, perhaps a little more gently, and taking the time to hear each other's perspectives. This can be easier said than done!
Dedicate the time to hear each other's perspectives without interruption. If this is tricky, try and tune into the feelings words your partner is saying. Try and see if there's any part of your partner's experience that makes sense to you.
At Brisbane Couples Counselling, we use Gottman Tools like 'The Aftermath of a Fight' to fully process and heal from arguments. If you're both struggling to do this on your own, call us on 3876 2100 or email info@brisbanecouplescounselling.com
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