If you’ve ever tried to talk to your partner about an issue, only to have them get defensive, you know how frustrating it can be. But why does this happen?
According to Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, defensiveness is one of the key “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdowns, and it often appears when someone feels criticised or attacked. In their research, they define defensiveness as an attempt to protect oneself by denying responsibility or counterattacking. Essentially, when your partner gets defensive, they may be trying to shield themselves from feeling blamed or hurt.
How Defensiveness Shows Up
You might notice your partner interrupting you or immediately denying any wrongdoing. For instance, if you say, “I feel like you don’t help enough around the house,” they might reply, “I do help! You never notice when I do!”
Another form of defensiveness is blame-shifting. A partner might deflect responsibility and turn the focus back on you, saying something like, “Well, you’re never happy with anything I do anyway, so why bother?” This response sidesteps the issue entirely and focuses on how their actions (or inactions) make you feel, rather than acknowledging your feelings about the situation.
The Antidote for Defensiveness
So, how can we break this cycle? The Gottmans suggest an antidote to defensiveness -taking responsibility. Instead of reacting with a counterattack, try acknowledging at least some part of your role in the situation. For example, “I can see that I might have been too harsh when I said that. I’m frustrated, and I want to find a way we can handle this together.”
Additionally, the way we bring issues up matters. If we approach a conversation with a gentle tone and focus on expressing our own experiences, rather than pointing fingers, we can minimize the likelihood of triggering defensiveness. Try saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m doing all the housework,” instead of “You never help around here.” By speaking from your own perspective, you avoid sounding accusatory, which reduces the chances of your partner getting defensive.
Being Mindful in Communication
Being mindful about how we communicate is key. Before you bring up an issue, ask yourself: Am I presenting this gently? Am I focusing on how I feel, not what they’ve done wrong? Sometimes it helps to practice “soft startup”—starting a conversation with empathy rather than criticism. If defensiveness remains an ongoing challenge, Brisbane Couples Counselling may be a helpful next step to develop better communication strategies and improve relationship dynamics.
By fostering empathy, taking responsibility, and speaking from our own experience, we can create a more open, supportive dialogue with our partners.
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